Wednesday, May 25, 2005

It's tearing me apart...

Being stuck between two worlds would best describe my week here. On one hand is the life I left behind. Friends, loved ones, a boyfriend, time off, hiking, hobbies, cats, sisters to watch off beat movies with and talk untill we fall asleep. Moms and Dads to see on every holiday. Best friends to go to the farmers market with and over analyze our lives. Girls to have over for drinks and endless guacamole and gossip. Streets I know the names of. Where to go out at night in every neighborhood. Where to get out of the city durring the day. Childhood memories around every corner. Everything from my prom dress to my letterman jacket, and my camp fire uniform still hang in my closet in the house I grew up in. Bills, car payments, perhaps a mortgage soon. It's all there waiting for me.

But what's here is just the tip of the iceberg. Not necessarily here, at The Fat Duck. But it's the culinary world I knew was out there. Friends who are driven by the same thing.... being the best cook you can be. A world where doing what I was doing all alone for the past 3 years (isolation from life to drive your passion in the kitchen) is the norm. it's the life I was preparing myself for. It's also a disolving world, a transient place where people come for a temporary time. A life where sometimes the only thing marking your room is a bed, a suitcase full of clothes, and something cheesy like a Shania Twain callander. How can you cling to a life that doesnt' really exist when you have something so stable waiting for you?

Well, I suppose it's a bit of what we called "senioritis" in highschool. A longing for the part of life you have grown to love, but which will never exist again. There is no choice but to let go.

My sister in Germany took the second route. She chose to uproot and take on an uncertian life in a foreign country. I don't think anyone has any clue how brave that was for her to do. We all cheered back home and said good for you Libs, we'll write and call. But what it takes to actually seperate from the stability and familiarity of your home is a challenge not many are capable of. And something I will eternally admire in my sister.

One path is certian. I know what my life will look like back home, and it looks good. And one is totally blind, terribly lonely, but offers you the chance of never having to say, what if.....?

Do I want a life of love, comfort, and certianty? Yes, or course.

Or do I want a life of long, long, long hours in kitchens striving for my best, seeing as much as possible, and never knowing the stability of home again??? Yes. Can't I have both??

No, you can't be in two places at the same time.

Becca, this one is really for you...... "Argh, what is wrong with me?!? What do I do??!!??"

So what do I do???? I go home. The cooks will be wailing for a different stage to relieve some of the pressure of their job next week and my name will be forgotten. The relaxing schedule of not working and hanging out with my sister in Germany will wash my mind. Russell's adoring and waiting arms will find me at the airport in a month. And a new kitchen waits for my arrival the next day. (Oh man will I need a paycheck!)

So will begin my adventures at home. And home will allways be just that...... home.


Anonymous Becca said...

Dana. I love you lady. What are either of us ever going to do? We'll talk endlessly, but always end up going to bed at night doing what we need and want to do.

I can't wait for you to come home.

May 25, 2005 8:41 PM  

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